You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
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Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
This seems like peak sibling energy
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.