Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

“i’m in your city”

uhhh have fun??

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it