Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

constantly working on myself.

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.