Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

Who does Amazon think I am?

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

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When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it