You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious