Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

i- i did not expect this

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.