Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

What number SPF blocks people?