@thatUPSdude

You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.

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@anashedidnt

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

@markydoodoo

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

@Cheeseboy22

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

@Shenanigans_luv

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

@PJTLynch

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

@awhalefact

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

@TheClingyGF

If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.

@sensual_dad

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials