this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Monday?
No. Next question.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments