You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.

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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.


I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.


I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !


Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.


You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.


DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come


Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.


Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.


Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)


Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.