You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.

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When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.


Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.


A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.


Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now


Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time


a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning


If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.


a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials