Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
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I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
#Thanos #MondayMood
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more