“You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can’t you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

You Might Also Like


Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”


*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card


[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots


HER: Where have you been?

ME: Watching a WWF fight.

HER: You mean WWE?

*flashback to panda fighting an emu*

ME: Eh, yeah.


Woo-hoo wife is gone for the evening so you know what that means
*practices repertoire of silly walks all over the house
*adds two new ones


I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.


If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs


ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.


Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you