@ElodiaHugesfxh

“You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can’t you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

@TheAlexNevil

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

@Shenaniglenns

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

@dubiousgenius

HER: Where have you been?

ME: Watching a WWF fight.

HER: You mean WWE?

*flashback to panda fighting an emu*

ME: Eh, yeah.

@yonewt

Woo-hoo wife is gone for the evening so you know what that means
*practices repertoire of silly walks all over the house
*adds two new ones

@HenpeckedHal

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

@KylePlantEmoji

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

@Woody_B_

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

@iAmJuddy

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you