Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

*scroll*

*scroll*

*scroll*

[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

*scroll*

*scroll*

*scroll*

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

Thaw me like one of your french fries

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

What’s so funny?