Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

[on my way back to the posting caves]

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started