YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

Being in your 20s is a weird place. Some of my friends married, some started a family and I’m just here. Trynna figure out this syllabus.

Well, this certainly took a turn

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

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