@LackOfShame
@david8hughes Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
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@david8hughes 
@Try2StopME Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
@BromanConsul “It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library
@oscarewilde kate bush: [running up that road]
me, a personal trainer: okay
kate bush: [running up that hill]
me: alright
kate bush: [running up that building]
me: kate
@DothTheDoth In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
@thepunningman Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
@difficultpatty Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
@WheelTod “Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
@illuminateddino A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
@copymama My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.