YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.