When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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HER: so what did you want to talk about?
ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2017 me: oh
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”