@LackOfShame

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

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@david8hughes

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

@Try2StopME

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

@BromanConsul

“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library

@oscarewilde

kate bush: [running up that road]
me, a personal trainer: okay
kate bush: [running up that hill]
me: alright
kate bush: [running up that building]
me: kate

@DothTheDoth

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

@thepunningman

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

@difficultpatty

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

@WheelTod

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

@illuminateddino

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

@copymama

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.