@LackOfShame
@ADHDeanASL
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
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@ADHDeanASL
@drankturpentine
HER: so what did you want to talk about?
ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?
@PRIDEofLOWELL
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
@Chumpstring
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
@Reverend_Scott
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
@lisaxy424
1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?
2017 me: oh
@tastefactory
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
@markydoodoo
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
@junejuly12
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
@jjax44
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”