Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
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i want to work in this restaurant
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I don’t think my car can fly
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]