If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
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February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.