You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
#CoronaOutbreak
It will always be this
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem