Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

My biological clock is wheezing.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

5 ways to appear taller

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

Steam Forums

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?