You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
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why count sheep when I can count my troubles
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.