Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

and this one

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon