“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
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Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
man i love columbo
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.