Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.