Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.