You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
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“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
How do I get a job writing these texts
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
how to market bottled water to dads
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.