You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Not all heroes wear capes.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.