Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

Based Erika

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.