Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*

Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???