You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Bring back the McRib
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
NASA has no chill
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume