You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
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wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.