Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

no their not

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.