you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
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Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
the answer to ‘who hurt you’ is usually ‘my front facing camera’
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
perfect
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.