You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
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My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!