I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
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Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Cake safety first. Always.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I’ve been drinking.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints