Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok