Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My guardian angel deserves a raise

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.