“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
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I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.