“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
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My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Möther may I have a snäck
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.