“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
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Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
This squirrel eats better than I do
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.