You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
You Might Also Like
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
What in the hipster hell is going on here
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire