Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.