You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
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Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
that de-escalated quickly
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay