Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

HR said no more nunchucks.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.