You better watch out
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I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”