You better watch out
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Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
That was easy.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Nice try, poison.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
could’ve been anyone
