You better wish for more oil
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“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I have many caverns
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”