You better wish for more oil
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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”