Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

they see me scrollin

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home