You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
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Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
is this meant to deter me
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Well, this is awkward
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”