Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

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My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.