You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
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A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.