You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
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seems fine
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”