You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
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SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]