“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
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[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
one last job
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years