“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
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bought wrong eggs
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
i really liked this one
My first child will be named New Folder.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
🤣🤣🤣
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this