You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
