You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.