You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Nigella has gone too far this time.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.