You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
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Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My therapist after every session
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!