You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
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Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.