You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
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Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
his wife is probably gonna see that
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Why the hell do we have butter knives? Steak knives cut butter just fucking fine. I’ve never said, “Do we have anything duller in the house? This is way too sharp for butter. It could slice right through that shit.”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
seems fine
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.