You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
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“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
and this one
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I only eat vegetarians.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless