Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

What do you hear?

Can confirm.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.