You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
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Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
john wicks are toilet candles
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies