You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
You Might Also Like
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
definitely did not do anything wrong
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here