You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.