You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My blood type is coffee.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.