You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
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i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience