Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

I have so many questions.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

oh you like architecture? name three walls

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.