You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
mmm onion ringos
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.