Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

watergate? u mean a dam??

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.