You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Yup.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?