You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Pretty much. 🤣
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.