If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
“My daughter ain’t dating no black lab”
Offering the floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently not ok.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I don’t mind your bad kids running around if you don’t mind me tripping them.