@mdob11

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

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@kelkulus

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

@TheCatWhisprer

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

@ndiquote

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

@SoldHerSoul

Offering the floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently not ok.

@NicktheDrummy

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

@pixelatedboat

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

@Social_Mime

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

@thatUPSdude

I don’t mind your bad kids running around if you don’t mind me tripping them.